Monday May 12
02:11
What I Want To Be
It’s taken me a long time to realise it, but tonight after watching The Apprentice USA Season 2 I can be sure: I want to be a big breasted kept woman married to a rich billionaire.
Life is so easy if you’re a woman: If you’re ugly - plastic surgery; if you have small breasts - plastic surgery; if you want to get laid/have no money and want to drink alcohol/bored of an evening - go to nearest bar and shout “who wants to buy me a drink?”
Tuesday April 29
01:21
Tonight McDonald’s Called The Police On Me
Tonight McDonald’s called the police on me in Tokyo. Why? Because I asked for mayonnaise on a Big Mac.
I kid you not. I have a 30 minute video to prove it, where I’m told by McDonald’s staff that it’s “impossible” to put mayo on a Big Mac - that if I want it, I have to buy a burger which has mayo AND buy a Big Mac and then they will put that mayo on the Big Mac. When I refused, they said “wait a minute” and five minutes later, four, yes FOUR, policemen turned up.
I’ve got to work out how to upload videos onto YouTube. Almost arrested in Japan for asking for mayo on a Big Mac. It’s ridiculous.
It almost reminds me of when I was trying to buy an S11HT - the big Bic Camera in Shibuya argued and refused to allow me to return it if there was no signal at my home or office, so I couldn’t buy it there. I then went to the small Bic Camera in Shibuya and they said “Sure, no problem” and even wrote on the contract that I could return the phone in 14 days if I had a problem getting a signal. Completely ridiculous. Just like McDonald’s calling the police because I wanted mayo.
Sunday April 27
19:09
How Do You Get A Fat Girl Into Bed?
Piece of cake.
Thanks The Scott Mills Podcast for that joke. Unfortunately it seems not to be updating to my iTunes anymore - I hope they’ve not finished doing it, because it’s one of the funniest pieces of British comedy there is. For me, it’s like a daily injection of British Comedy Drug, and I’ll be having withdrawal symptoms if it doesn’t start working again soon.
Sunday April 13
20:02
It’s Strange The Things That You Miss When You Live Abroad
Of all th thingz u cld ask me 2 bring u over u want me to bring sum collar stiffenerz- weirdo
My family think I’m crazy - but it’s strange the things you miss/need from home when you’re abroad.
My brother is coming over last week. He asked me what I wanted him to bring to Tokyo. My list:
Metal collar stiffeners from Tie-Rack
Non-iron shirts from M&S
A can of Ambrosia tinned rice pudding
The can of rice pudding is for the Japanese who consistently look at me in disbelief when I tell them we have pudding made of rice in the UK. Japanese eat rice every day. They never think about making it into a pudding.
In fairness, the things I really want my brother to bring me, he can’t bring. They are:
Black pudding
British bangers
British bacon
Scottish bread
Scottish rolls
Irish soda bread from M&S
Potato scones
A big juicy yellow mellow
Low-fat hummus from the supermarket
Mr Kipling’s Mince Pies
Not being able to get hummus is one thing that has consistently driven my crazy living in Asia - in Hong Kong, in Korea, and in Japan. In Japan there are a couple of restaurants with hummus, so at least I could get it occasionally. Finally - this month - I found a supermarket that sells it, but it’s not the same.
Mince Pies also are something that I missed. In HK I could get them. In Korea, fat chance. In Japan, I can buy Robertson’s mincemeat and make my own. Except for one thing, Japan is miles better than Korea when it comes to international food - I can even get the English breakfast muffins I so longed for in Korea. What’s the one thing? Sour cream. It’s just thick gloob in Japan. Sour cream in Korea was gorgeous - in big tubs from Hyundae department store in Shinchon.
There is actually a Scottish Pub in Tokyo - or, at least, it claims to be. It’s called Scottish Glamour, which isn’t a good start. In fact, after going and seeing the bar menu, I immediately left. No Scottish beer (which, probably, is a good thing), and a cover charge to enter the bar. Any bar that tried to levy a cover charge in Scotland would be burnt to the ground.
I can’t find the URL for Scottish Glamour - but then since I would never recommend you go there, I didn’t try very hard.
